Are You Hearing What I’m Saying?

I ran across these articles about email etiquette on the BBC and Wall Street Journal this morning. They were particularly interesting to me because they suggest that I am rather out of touch with not only my peers but my elders and professionals too. (I thought I was at least on the same page with the latter two.) Is it possible that what I mean and what others hear in my salutations and sign-offs are completely different things?

Despite a few more sources and an amusing reader’s email, the BBC basically regurgitates the Journal article, the gist of which is that the typical salutation, Dear, is outmoded and out of favor with email writers today. The Journal even suggests, “Across the Internet the use of dear is going the way of sealing wax.” How sad—I’m very fond of sealing wax…

The larger issue, however, seems to be a general tendency toward lax etiquette which begs the question: Does the decline of etiquette suggest a decline in courtesy? The Journal writes, “Email has come to be viewed as informal even when used as formal communication, leaving some etiquette experts appalled at the ways professional strangers address one another.”

Out with the Old! In with the New/Hip/Faster/Colloquialisms:

• Giselle Barry, political spokeswomen: “Hey folks” as an example of “the utmost and highest level of professionalism” because “Dear is a bit too intimate and connotes a personal relationship.” (I can’t help but be ironic here.)
• Kevin Caron, trucker and mechanic: Dear is “girlie.” With female family it might be okay, but not with a man, even a client. His substitutes are Salutations, Good morning, or maybe To whom it may concern. “I feel dear is a little intimate for someone I don’t know,” says Mr. Caron.
• Joyce Walker, English professor: Dear is for job applications and bosses; it’s a term of supplication and deference, not for friends.
• Amy Tan, author: “Dear Amy Tan” is from eBay or PayPal, telling me I have either paid for something or should pay for it. ‘Hey Amy’ is only from someone I know well enough to hug,” she wrote. “No salutation is from my husband, my assistant, my friends I am in touch with everyday. Familiarity breeds lack of hello, hey, and dear.”
• Lynn Gaertner-Johnston, business writing school: Drop Dear from emails, but keep it for business letters. “We don’t use dear because someone is dear to us but because we understand the standards of business writing and recognize the standards of intelligent business people.”
• The Emily Post Institute: Dear is for particularly formal emails. The institute spokeswoman, a descendant of the founder, says, “I don’t think it’s as important as it used to be…You can still certainly use it. If you don’t know someone well, or for a new client, I would absolutely use dear.”
• Chris Allison, young international-trade analyst: “I find that I am most likely to start a letter with ‘dear’ exactly when the recipient is least dear to me, probably because I have never met the person.” Hi, seems to work better for him.
• Hal Reiter, CEO: Typing Dear takes too long. He even has an automated sign-off–“Thanks a lot, Hal”
• Dan Germain, dept head: “The only time I write ‘Dear…’ is if I’m making a complaint…If I’m writing to someone I am trying to impress, I would simply say ‘Hello’. Losing ‘Dear…’ does not equal rudeness.”
• Jon King, director of digital marketing: It’s an age thing.”I never use ‘Dear…’ It’s old-dearish.” Instead he uses no intro at all and cuts to the chase.
• For the final blow, Dear Abby: Left Dear for Hi, sweetie. “We live in an age of technology, and things are going to evolve, and it’s a good thing,” says Jeanne Phillips, who writes the advice column founded by her mother. It especially strikes Ms. Phillips as being disingenuous to use dear when writing someone you don’t particularly like.”

Civil Communication has benefits too!:

• Lydia Ramsey, business-etiquette expert: Those who forgo the Dear “lack polish.” She continues, “They come across as being abrupt…It sets the tone for that business relationship, and it shows respect…Email is so impersonal it needs all the help it can get.”
• Lynn Ducommun:, of Manhattan, says she usually uses dear in her email communications. “Probably because I’m a dinosaur, my emailing to me is equivalent to writing a letter or a note.”
• Jean Broke-Smith, etiquette guru: sent in a funny email

Dear James,

I’m fed up with people writing “Hi Jean” when they’ve never met me. Or putting “cheers” at the end of an e-mail. What is ‘cheers’? Clinking a glass? It’s an irrelevant word.

If you’re sending a business e-mail you should begin “Dear…” – like a letter. You are presenting yourself. Politeness and etiquette are essential.

We’re losing the art of letter writing. E-mails are becoming like texts – everyone is abbreviating. If we don’t get a handle on it, future generations won’t be able to spell at all.

I don’t know you, so I’m not going to sign off “love” or “best wishes”. And I’m banning the word “cheers”.

Regards,
Jean Broke-Smith

• Liz Brewer, social behavior expert: Seems to endorse Dear. “We have to remember that at the start of an e-mail we are sending a subtle message. If I write ‘hi’ to a person I don’t know, I risk falling into a pit. I shouldn’t presume I can be so familiar.” Introducing an e-mail is a lot like arriving at a party, she says. “Better to be overdressed. You can always take off the pearls.”
• The Post Institute, again: Spokeswoman Anne Post says that though Hey! doesn’t sound jaunty and uplifting to everyone and the risk of marring a great impression is not worth the risk. “I would use ‘Dear…’ with people I don’t know particularly well, because it corresponds to respect. I disagree with people who say ‘Dear…’ means ‘you are particularly dear to me’. To convey that kind of ‘Dear…’ you need to write ‘my dearest’.”
• Unspecified etiquette experts (BBC article): Salutations set the tone for correspondences, and  dropping a greeting and using only a name can seem cold. Also, using “hey” can seem too familiar.

The BBC article goes on the talk about the “social networking minefield” of sign-offs, but that’s a post for another day.